yesterday, as i arrived at my cubical-with-a-view, i realized that in my monday morning haze i'd forgotten to put on deoderant. concerned that i might offend my fellow commuters and coworkers with my stench, i trotted down to the micro-market in our building and bought a stick of what looked like the most innocuous of deoderizers.

oh, wrong. it was a stick of devil scent. scent spawned from demon excrement.

i applied not overly generous amounts to my pits and proceeded with my day. but it wasn't long before i began to gag. through two shirts, the stink of it seeped and attacked my nostrils. rotting foot smell is more pleasant than this strongly sweet musk. i couldn't breath. so i went to the bathroom and scrubbed what i could off with paper towels and the like. no good. the smell remained and i was forced to finish my day in olfactory agony. the closest experience i can relate it to is being trapped in the cheap perfume section of Macy's for eight hours.

but that goo did not go with the day. no, even after a night of sleep, my morning shower, and a second extra hard scrubbing with soap, the perfume remained. i managed to cover it up with my normal deorderant but i still catch whiffs of the stench.

so be warned: Speed Stick Musk Deoderant (by Mennen) is NOT for human consumption. and if you currently use such a thing, please stop. it's gross.