it's election day and i was going to write long essays on where i think votes should be thrown. instead i'm thinking of her.

it could just be that i've been reading Wendy's diary. her words often bring meaning to my day and put punctuation to feelings i've set aside. not that i haven't thought about Rebecca since she left but i haven't been ready to write about it until now. i didn't really think it would hurt to talk about her and it hasn't. but i thought i'd have a better perspective on how i'd been affected by our relationship once i'd had a chance to air out my insides.

i'm amazed at how much i took away from that brief relationship. i've often said that my growth is fairly frozen in a relationship and that i learn the most about myself after a break up. but now it seems that the break up has only made me aware of growth i'd already acheived BECAUSE OF the relationship. instead of looking back on things and realizing how it really was, i'm looking back to appreciate how i already knew it was.

she left. we had already decided it wasn't going to work at this distance, that the good feelings for each other were at risk of turning bad. i had convinced her to come out for the week we'd planned together anyway. it wasn't like we were ending things because we didn't care for each other and i thought we could enjoy each other's company without worrying about the future.

she had told me she didn't think it was a good idea. she didn't want to leave her heart here again, she said. and she knew herself and how she'd react, she said. i should have better listened to her.

to her merit, she tried. the first night i couldn't believe how wonderful it was to have her with me. her warmth, her wonderfulness, her hand in mine, sharing a bed, sharing space and time. but by saturday afternoon, things had already begun to deteriorate. we bickered, we were uncomfortable, we sat in silence at times, and finally we fought. sunday morning i unhappily agreed that it was better if we said our goodbyes and that she spend the remainder of her trip with her friends. we spent the rest of sunday in a horrible uneasiness as we reacted poorly to each other, ending in a final crescendo where she hugged me, told me she was sorry it had to end this way, and then walked away.

i'm not sorry she came. it gave me the closure i wanted and left me feeling mostly whole. unlike so many break ups of past significant relationships, this one did not leave me feeling hurt. the rest of the week she was to have spent with me, i enjoyed on my own and found myself at 12:45p on saturday looking up at the clock and realizing she was probably on a plane back to Boston. i missed her for sure but i wasn't rolling in agony and depression knowing that things had ended. when the deception and deceit are not there, the realities of a relationship are so much easier to brave. a final bit of growth achieved because of her.

i also learned an intense lesson about honesty. i've always struggled with the truth, ever since i was little. i've found it easy throughout my life to stretch it, bend it, even break it. but for the past few years i've been falling in love with the purity of it. perhaps it was being the recipient of dishonesty that made it stick but i have finally learned that lesson taught to first graders: "thou shalt not lie." and she was the first person for whom i hadn't sacrificed honesty even a bit to make myself more comfortable.

that is why i was so hurt by our saturday night argument. i had covered up something with a lie because i thought it would be embarrassing for her and she called me on it. i apologized but was taken aback by how angry she was at something i thought was only done for her benefit. it wasn't until days later that i finally saw what i had done.

i had sacrificed the intimacy we shared to avoid conflict. and that intimacy was paramont over all other things. she had said that she wasn't embarrassed by what i had covered up but i understood that none of that really mattered. it was the lie itself, whatever its purpose, that was so hurtful to her.

on some cheesy sit-com or other, a character said something like, "for every person that i interact with, whether it be for ten seconds or a lifetime, i am completely honest." while i'm not sure it's realistic to think most of us could achieve that considering all the grey areas of life, it's certainly a carrot to lead us in the right direction.

i wish i could write more about her now and how much she has meant to me but i'm losing the words to complete my feelings. understand this, she repaired the damage done by unhappy past relationships, she enlightened me to things i find wonderful in a partner, she reinvigorated my trust in human nature, and she loved me. lucky me.