lately, i just feel good.

i have lots of good, healthy energy. my moods are even. i'm productive and organized. i feel good about myself, my place in life, my contributions. i have time and energy to help friends who are struggling with sadness and their own demons. and even when something goes amiss, i deal with it head on and don't let myself dwell and stress on it. goddamnit, i'm fucking healthy. more healthy than i've been in years.

how did this happen??

well, there's the eating right. sort of. less red meat, more vegetables, more fruit, more frequency. that's probably pretty good for me. and there's the exercise. i finally joined a gym near my house -- three blocks away! -- and have been going often. i've also taken on a different attitude towards problems, tending to address them directly rather than procrastinating and rarely getting riled up unnecessarily, even when something really does irk me. those things are all good for me and surely make me healthier.

then again, they might be symptoms of something greater. it isn't like i suddenly decided to act on those long-standing goals to eat right, exercise and be more emotionally mature. something must have given me a swift kick in the ass in the right direction. hm, what could that be ... ?

oh!

oh!

i know!

is it ... the love of a good woman??

you know it is. this girl i met for drinks and sushi one night almost six five months ago has been so good to me and so good for me. she's so beautiful, so smart, so fun to be with, so engaged in our relationship, so affectionate, so much a partner in my life, so willing to let me be a part of hers. she's deep and full of all sorts of interesting details, and she makes herself available. at first, i was scared of all that. i was scared at how good it was. i was scared she was going to hurt me and i was scared of letting her see all of the real me. i even freaked out once or twice. ah! love! shit! run! hills! go! now! hide! cave! ahhhhhh!

but she's not like that. she's not going to hurt me. she sees me for who i truly am and says, "hey, you're pretty neat. let's do the horizontal tango." and that just gets me. to have all the beauty, the intelligence, the depth, the sly wit, the warmth and then to give it to me unflinchingly and accept what i have to offer back is just so ... indescribable. it's amazing. it's makes me happier, healthier and more alive. i'm opening up and becoming more the person i always knew i was. i feel centered and giddy at the same time. i feel like a kid again.

(i also can't seem to count. it's been only five months, not six.)